I was thinking this morning how it’s been a while since I sent a nudge, and I thought what might be helpful to share in the current times.

I was looking though some previous nudges, and came across the following one on ‘what makes a problem a problem?’ I shared it back in 2018, and yet it feels more pertinent than ever today.

If I had a postscript it would be that I’ve put what I share below to the test again, and again and again, and, for me, it just rings even more true.

But please don’t take my word for it, test it out for yourself and see what occurs to you!

Problem solving can make things worse

For someone who has spent a lifetime believing that it helps to problem solve, that was a huge realisation when I realised that it often just caused me to get way more caught up in my thinking and further away from coming up with solutions.

I used to see it as an important part of my work, helping people to consider the issues and problems they were having, and then come up with a plan or strategy to help get them unstuck.

And sometimes it worked – or at least worked for a while, until another problem would present itself and the conversation to problem solve would start again!

Living less in your thoughts = less stress

Since coming across the understanding of how we create our experience, I now see problems very differently. I see that there’s the event, circumstance or situation that occurs, and then there’s all my thinking and speculating about them.

The more I’ve learned to live less in my thoughts, the easier it’s been to drop all that thinking. And in doing so, find that the answers inevitably present themselves. Often something I couldn’t possibly have imagined, or problem solved, occurs, and whatever seemed like a major problem at the time worked out in hindsight. It makes for a much less stressful way to live.

Newsflash…

So, my sister just happened to call while I was writing this, and we chatted through the idea that problems are illusory. In her inimitable way, she paused and said “Tam, that’s all well and good and I kind of get it, but I’ve been learning about this understanding about thought for a good while now, and even I don’t see that one…of course a problem is a problem!!” She went on to give this example. “If I’ve got to find money by the end of the week that I don’t have, that’s a fact it’s not something I made up. Any one of us will have experienced all kinds of problems today, and reading that they are illusory would quite frankly p*** me off so it could be the people who read this might feel the same way!” Needless to say, we chatted some more, the essence of which I hope I’ve now captured below.

Just seeing the transitory nature of thought is enough

For me, the fact that I’ve come to understand the transitory nature of thought, and that how much of a problem I make something is down to my own thinking, has completely changed how I approach all ‘problems’. Just seeing that it is my own thoughts that first create what is and isn’t a problem, and then all the next level of thinking about how I’m going to respond to that – which is also only more thought – is usually enough to give me a buffer before the ifs, buts and maybes take me in an unhelpful direction! These days, that gives me just the nudge I need to more easily catch myself before generating more perceived problems about the illusory problem!

All that said, of course I’m only human so does this always work? No, far from it! But just seeing that both the problem and my thoughts about it can only ever come from my own thinking, gives me a chance to pause. And it’s in that space between the busy thoughts that more creative thinking naturally flows in if I let it. Seeing that’s how we work is what has caused me to have more confidence, and trust that something will come to mind, that fresh thought will come in and provide answers I can’t yet see!

I’d love to know what this brings up for you. And if you have any examples of where you’ve seen that life has a habit of working out in retrospect, would be great to hear them.

That’s your nudge for today! Have a great rest of your day/evening.

All the best

Tamsin

PS This is the type of conversation I’m having with people in my work now. Moving away from helping people to problem solve to pointing them in a different direction of how our experience is created in the first place. It makes for some wonderful conversations and insights that no amount of problem solving ever did! So if you’re experiencing ‘problems’ in life at the minute, I nudge you to consider having a different conversation, and just see what new perspectives might occur for you as a result.

I do hope you had a relaxing festive break, and that 2023 has got off to a good start.

When I sent out my last nudge about worry these two in the photo were only small pups, and I was predicting that life would never be the same again.

Well, I can happily report I was absolutely right, and we are loving having them as part of the family – there is no end to the joy they give us on a daily basis!

Living in a state of worry

My musings about worry certainly resonated, and it was good to read all your comments and thoughts on the subject. I don’t think you need to be a mind reader to see that many are still living in a state of worry this year. And very often for one of those key reasons I spoke of, which is our innocent habit of wanting to predict the future. In the case of the puppies it’s great to be proved right, but less so when we get caught up in negative thinking about imagined futures or worst case scenarios.

Knowing vs predicting

There is a huge difference between making up predictions about anything, and that sense of just knowing what you want to do, see happen or take place. Not least the difference in feeling and energy. For me, the former can come with streams of unhelpful thinking, which can feel stressful, tense, uncomfortable and immobilising. Where the latter just feels right and comes with a feeling of clarity, calm, and common sense, innate knowing of what best to do, or the next steps to take.

As the saying goes, when you know you know and there is such an ease that accompanies that.

Less thinking not more

We are so conditioned to get busy thinking when we have a difficult situation, issue or problem, but I’ve found that to be so counter productive. Not only is it a sure fire way to ratchet up the worry levels, but, more importantly, it takes us in the opposite direction of our quieter knowing. Left alone, any stirred up thinking will settle down, and when it does it leaves room for those quieter nudges of fresh thought, out of the blue ideas and common sense wisdom to flow.

Listening for, and then following, those knowing nudges has become such a way of life now, and I encourage you to notice the difference for yourself. Next time you start to have worrying thoughts, just see what happens when you leave that thinking alone. And I don’t mean getting busy with trying to manage or reframe your thoughts, or doing anything at all with them…that just continues the cycle. Rather, just as best you can, leave them alone and you’ll see how much more quickly they pass through.

As the thought dissipates, the uncomfortable feelings will naturally dissipate too. Then, from that calmer state of mind, you’ll leave space for your knowing to come through. Nothing on the outside might have changed, but everything on the inside feels different.

I hope this is helpful. As always, please don’t take my word for it, but see for yourself, and I’d love to hear what you notice.

All the best for now

Tam

Less Worry Challenge

An idea has been percolating to share more about why I, and the people I work with, no longer find ourselves worrying so much these days, and how that has given us so much more time, energy and peace of mind. So, in the spirit of following my knowing, I’d love to hear from you if you tend to worry, overthink, or just feel you’re currently living with a low hum of stress and would love to experience life without that this year. Just email me and I’ll be in touch.

A nudge to take uncomfortable feelings less seriously

It’s been a while again since my last nudge, and I hope you’re having a lovely summer. I can’t get over the weather we’ve been having in the UK, although a little cooler on the boat today!

Depression and chemical imbalance link questioned

I’ve been thinking about some research that was in the news last week suggesting that depression may not be caused by a chemical imbalance (specifically low serotonin levels). *Based on a major review of prior research by University College London (UCL), the report’s authors are therefore questioning the use of (and increase in use of) antidepressants prescribed for this reason.

You can read the UCL news piece below and make your own conclusions, but I have felt uneasy for a long time now about the over prescribing that goes on. This can sometimes be referred to as ‘the medicalisation of feelings’, or human emotions. (I just looked up the term and medicalisation is described as the ‘process of taking non-medical problems and converting them into illnesses and disorders’ according to Conrad and Schneider 2010.)

Thought feeling, thought feeling link

Whatever your views, and I’m well aware there will be differing ones, depending on your own experience, I wanted to share a nudge today on taking all uncomfy feelings less seriously.

It actually came to me in the form of a question: “Why oh why do we spend so much time thinking about, or analysing, uncomfortable feelings, and yet spend far less time sitting in good feelings when we have them?”

Aside from the obvious survival instinct that can drive us and cause this to happen, this is something I do less and less – both for myself and in my work – now that I see the link between a thought and a feeling. At its simplest, if we’re thinking what we would dub as happy or joyful thoughts, we’ll feel happy and joyful; when we’re thinking what we would dub as unhappy, sad or fearful thoughts, we’ll feel unhappy, sad or fearful.

The difficulty comes when we project those feelings on to an object or person or circumstance instead of just allowing the stream of thought-feeling, thought-feeling to naturally flow.

Rather, we’re so conditioned (and innocently so) to project what we’re feeling onto something, and when we do we fix it in place … it becomes rigid and no longer flows. Then it feels like the external object, person or circumstance has to change for our thoughts to change and for us to feel better….which takes so much longer.

Our state of mind is not fixed

What is more, our state of mind is not fixed. Our state of mind can change in a heartbeat as we have a fresh thought, or a new perspective, or we simply drop into a clearer state of mind. For instance, you know that way you can go to bed in a bad mood, or stirred up state, about something only to wake and feel much better in the morning. Nothing has changed, yet you just feel better.

I’ve come to see that this capacity resides in us, we don’t have to do anything for it to work for us.

That is such a good example of the transient nature of thoughts and states of mind just being of the moment … that is, whatever is crossing our mind at any given time. And it’s not about trying not to think, and thus feel, or being permanently Zen like. There is no point (even if we could) trying to contrive better feelings as nothing is fixed anyway … as thoughts pass through, feelings pass with them. And that includes for people who have previously felt let down by the system, or a diagnosis, which has left them feeling at a loss or sadly hopeless.

Less need for the world to be different

Seeing uncomfy feelings for what they are means you start to feel less trapped in the feelings of thoughts you’re taking seriously. It’s only human that sometimes thoughts will feel more ‘sticky’ than others, and at other times you’ll ignore them. But either way, I and the people I work with, feel less in the trap of needing the world to be different to feel okay than we used to, and the implications of that are huge – not to mention a lot more hopeful.

I would dearly love to hear what comes to mind, or resonates for you, from this nudge so do let me know here.

All the very best for now

Tam

*UCL news – No evidence that depression is caused by low serotonin levels, finds comprehensive review https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/no-evidence-depression-caused-low-serotonin-levels-finds-comprehensive-review

NB as is referenced in the news piece, it is never advisable to come off medication without prior discussion with your doctor. As I often say to people, don’t take mine, or anyone else’s word for things. You have your own inner wisdom to guide you, be that being called to do your own research, or trusting your instincts, you are the expert on you.

If you read my Easter nudge, you’lI know I shared some photos from my recent trip to the tulip gardens in Amsterdam. I had so many photos that I couldn’t resist sharing a couple more! For those of you who did see it, thanks for your lovely comments and emails … so glad the nudge resonated.

Peace of mind exists in the moment

Picking up on my previous theme of living more in your life than in your thoughts, I’ve come to see that peace of mind is always more accessible in the moment.

Picture for a minute how much energy can be expended on overthinking a (seemingly) problematic issue, situation, circumstance or relationship from the past – or imagined in the future – not to mention how much of your time that can waste.

Have you noticed how often that the more you overthink it, the more stirred up and uncomfortable you can start to feel?

Missing from the moment

I call this ‘missing from the moment’. Because once those noisy thoughts start to clog up your mind, it can set off a train of thought that can be hard to jump off, taking us out of our present life where we actually are.

It also leaves so much less space for fresh thinking and clarity to naturally come in.

We can’t control the noisy thinking, or endless thoughts that can loop around our heads, but we can see them for what they are … just thoughts crossing our mind, and, if left alone, will just pass through.

No more real than watching a film

If you’ve ever watched a film and thought about it long after it ended, that’s such a good metaphor for the nature of thought.

Although we know that a film isn’t real life, it doesn’t mean we don’t feel it as real when we’re watching it. It explains why years ago with the earliest movies people ran out of the cinemas when they saw a train coming towards them on the screen.

The same applies to our personal thinking. Once we’re off on a train of thought, it’s no more true than watching a made up film or tv programme. But if we were to watch a film focusing on all the special effects or direction that had gone into its production, it wouldn’t make it very enjoyable … much the same with life.

It’s just that thoughts create feelings and so we experience them as real.

And much like a scary movie I can always walk out of, it’s lovely to know that’s how thoughts work too. Seeing the thought/feeling connection means there’s nothing to overthink, change or do. If I’m not thinking it, I’m not feeling it, my mind naturally settles and I’m back in the present moment.

Wishing you a great rest of your Friday and a peaceful weekend.

All the best for now

Tamsin

PS And here’s some hyacinths in Amsterdam – the smell was amazing!

A couple of weeks ago my sister and I spent a wonderful weekend visiting friends in Amsterdam. We were really lucky to be there while the Keukenhof Tulip Gardens were open, and it was the most magical experience … a little of which I’ve tried to capture above and below!

If felt very strange to be travelling, and made me think of how much life has been put on hold these past couple of years. And how easy it can be to live more in your thoughts about life than actually living life. And all the more so when life feels tough and challenging such as current world events, which are occupying all of our minds at the moment….

Living more in your life and less in your thoughts

It was a big revelation to me when I saw there’s a world of difference between living in our lives and living in our thoughts about life. And I’ve come to see that life often lives us far better than our imagination often serves us.

Living in the moment and showing up to life as it happens is so much kinder than getting caught up in our thoughts about what we think has gone before, or what we think might happen in the future.

Getting more comfortable with insecure thinking

Once I saw that I’m always living in the experience of my moment to moment thinking about whatever is going on in my life, l got a lot more comfortable with insecure thinking. I saw that the more stirred up my thoughts were, the more insecure thinking would likely creep in – especially when I had a lot of thinking going on! Just knowing that’s all it is – insecure thinking in the moment – can be enough to settle our thoughts and drop back into the present moment, which has a quieter, more spacious feel to it. I saw that it was pointless to ‘stir the pot’ because when my mind settled down, any insecure thinking would disappear.

So my nudge for Easter is just to check in with yourself and see if you’re living a little too much in your thoughts rather than in your life, and to see the difference just noticing that makes.

Wishing you a relaxing and peaceful Easter holidays.

All the best for now

Tamsin

PS If you’d like to explore what life can be like living more in your life and less in your thoughts, then do consider joining The Miraculous Book Club. Run virtually over 8 weeks, it’s a chance to take a step back and experience freedom from worry and stress once and for all. Just click on the link to read more about it, and see how others benefited from taking part last year.