In the past couple of days, I’d been thinking it’s time for another nudge, but had been mulling over what conversation to have.
While various ideas were going round in my mind, I remembered a quote from one of my favourite coaches Michael Neill: “You’re only ever one thought away from a happier one”. Since we can all get stuck in our own thinking, this immediately gave me the idea to have a different conversation about thoughts.
The map is not the territory
This is an expression, which I learnt years ago in my coach training, which revolutionised the way I think and approach all communications.
The idea is that we all have our own unique, internal maps for interpreting our world – that there is no one map or reality. So, it isn’t a case of there being a particular, or right way, to see, do or approach things, but rather our own way, based on, amongst other things, our individual experiences, beliefs, values, rules, etc that we choose to live by.
The concept might sound like common sense, and yet it can prove hard to make it common practice! Just think for a minute about all the times we try and persuade someone of our opinion about something, or disagree with another’s viewpoint, argue about having to be right, or feel stressed or hurt over someone’s behaviour. In these instances, there is little point in wasting energy in persuading people to see things our way. Rather, I remind myself that they’re seeing and believing things through their own unique filter, as I am mine, it’s not possible for them to do otherwise, which makes life a whole lot easier!
We create our own reality
So, if there isn’t one map or reality, my next favourite idea about thoughts is that we create our own reality, regardless of what’s going on around us. This can take a little more explaining, but the best way I know how is capturing it in a phrase: “A thought is only ever an idea crossing your mind. It only becomes real if you choose to attach meaning or importance to it”.
The concept comes from something called The Three Principles – Mind, Thought and Consciousness. Sometimes referred to as Inside Out Thinking – the idea being it’s not anything that goes on around us externally that causes us to think or feel as we do; it’s only ever what’s happening internally i.e. the way we choose to process/think about something, and all the meanings, beliefs we attach to that thought. And this is where we can get stuck in our own thinking. It’s that old age pattern of never questioning our thoughts – or worse, believing our thinking is the truth, which of course it isn’t.
The nature of thought
By way of an example, I came across a video recently from a psychiatrist called Dr Bill Pettit who specialises in the Three Principles. He does a lot of work around trauma and PTSD, and told the story of a girl who’d had multiple suicide attempts following an horrendous kidnapping and torture situation, and had been in and out of mental hospitals numerous times.
As he was standing in one such hospital reception one day, he overheard the girl ask why she couldn’t be allowed to die. He quietly said to her whatever it was she wanted to die over was over now, it didn’t exist anymore, except as a thought. He then invited her to come to a workshop, and if she didn’t like it no worries, but just come this once. She did and her life changed from that moment on when she saw her distress lay in reliving her recurring thoughts. In understanding The Three Principles, she was able to see that there was nothing wrong with her, nothing to be fixed, but rather to quieten her mind, let the thoughts come and go, and eventually she would return to an easier state of consciousness. Also known as innate health, as getting back to a natural state of wellbeing – or inner wisdom – that was available to her at any time.
Which brings me back to that quote, which I feel, captures this concept so well: “You’re only ever one thought away from a happier one”. Now, that’s a much nicer thought to have isn’t it?
These are some of the ideas I draw on in my nudging, and share in the nudgeme Small Groups. I hope you’ve enjoyed the conversation, and I can’t resist saying that I hope it has given you food for thought!